


Small Town Strider (Alternatively: Dave Gets Lost)

by UnhelpfulPanda



Series: AU Rave Party [2]
Category: Homestuck
Genre: Alternate Universe - No Sburb Session, Anal Sex, Cock Rings, Hand Jobs, M/M, Oral Sex, Vibrators, also a karkat cameo, also first two chapters are teen and up, dirk is a lying manipulative shit but in a good way, from here on tags are referencing only the last chapter, last chapter is the explicit part, no homo.....ok maybe a little homo
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-08-22
Updated: 2016-11-05
Packaged: 2018-08-10 07:56:06
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 7,787
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7836535
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/UnhelpfulPanda/pseuds/UnhelpfulPanda
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>After Dirk moves out to go live near his boyfriend in Washington, Dave quickly comes to realize his little Texas apartment is too expensive for him to live in alone. Dirk invites him to come live in Washington with him, and Dave reluctantly agrees.</p><p>What Dave doesn't know is that Dirk lied, and also Dirk's boyfriend has a really REALLY cute younger cousin.</p><p>Meanwhile, John hears that his cousin Jake's boyfriend has a younger brother to come visit, and from the pictures John has already decided that maybe he's a little homo for the kid. Maybe.</p><p>(third chapter is porn, everything else is Teen and Up)</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Small Town Strider

**Author's Note:**

> [ Long List of AUs](http://transmansylveon.tumblr.com/post/110322003353/)
> 
> Most of the summary is actually just background information. This chapter itself is Dave and John meeting and getting a little homo.
> 
> Also, did I ever mention present tense pisses me the fuck off?? I hate it, why did I do this to myself? Next fic in this series will be past tense I s2g

            Oh fuck, you're lost. Where the fuck even are you?? You followed your brother's shitty directions to the fucking letter, so you _should_ be there already. This doesn't look remotely like a residential area. You should have never let Dirk give you directions; Striders were notorious for getting themselves (and others) lost. You were not exempt from this rule, either.

            Your name is Dave Strider and you are lost in Washington. You miss Texas. You never thought you would, but Texas had your stash of Doritos under your bed and bottles of AJ hidden in your closet. You are fucking hungry. And cold, too. You did not dress well for Washington weather, apparently.

            “You lost?” You turn to a black-haired cutie with bright blue eyes framed behind square spectacles. He smiles charmingly, and your cheeks heat up despite the fact that you feel like a human ice sculpture.

            “Uh, yeah, I'm trying to get to my brother's boytoy's house,” You trail off. “I'm from Texas, so I have no clue where anything is,” You add, shuffling your feet awkwardly.

            “I've lived here all my life; I could give you the grand tour?” He offers, then sticks out his hand. You shake his hand, silently marveling at how fucking _warm_ he was in this icy hell of a town. “I'm John, by the way,” he introduces, then gestures behind him. “There's a coffee shop right here, by the way. Its my favorite place to go. They also have food and you look a little hungry, so we could stop by there for some food first?” He offers.

            “Hell yes,” You agree, and the two of you head over to a coffee shop you hadn’t noticed before. The aroma of food and caffeine hits your nose and you shiver. You look over the menu while John heads to the counter to order what you presume is his usual order. “Have any recommendations?” you ask him when he stops giving his order.

            In response, he orders you some kind of mocha peppermint drink and a delicious looking sandwich. As he digs in his pocket, you hipcheck him out of the way and hand over your credit card. “Hey!” he protests, but the deed is done and you are already tucking your card back into your wallet.

            “Think of it as payment for being my guide,” You explain simply as you wander over to the pickup area. John grumbles but follows you anyways.

            “Order for the shitgargler,” a grumpy barista announces dryly, setting your order down and shooting John a glare.

            “Aw, Karkat, are you running out of insults for me?” John coos back.

            “Fuck you, Egbert.”

            “Creative!” John laughs, taking his food to a nearby table. You follow with a raised eyebrow.

            “Egbert?” you ask. John looks up at you curiously, drink against his lips.

            “It’s my last name,” he explains, nodding Karkat’s way. “We’ve been friends since middle school.” You nod and take a sip of your own drink. The warmth spreads through you and you sigh in content. “Knew you’d like that flavor,” John snorts.

            You chat a bit about the town and about John while you eat. John tells you he’s lived here his entire life, only moving from his father’s house to an apartment he shares with his cousin when he was nineteen. You nod and tell him you’ve lived in the same apartment in Texas your whole life, but your brother moved out a year ago and you’ve come to find you can’t pay the entire rent by yourself.

            “And so here I am, moving into an apartment with my brother. He told me he’s always at his boyfriend’s place anyway, so I’ll have the place to myself for the most part, but it’s still lame to room with your brother,” you grumble.

            “And it’s not lame when its your cousin?” John prompts, smirking at you. You hold up your hands in mock defense.

            “Hey, no judging here!” you assure him, and he laughs at you. Wow, his smile is blinding. You find yourself admiring his face as he turns to look out the window.

            “Ah, we should probably get going. It’s starting to snow and it’s supposed to get pretty bad out there sometime today,” he comments, pointing. You follow his gaze and yeah, yeah that’s snow alright. You whine childishly. “What?”

            “It’s cold, I don’t wanna go out there,” you pout, and he snorts derisively at you. “I’m from Texas, where it’s hot as balls. I don’t know how to deal with this white shit everywhere,” you complain.

            John sighs, unwrapping his blue scarf from around his neck and wrapping it around yours. “There, can we go now? It’s not too far,” he says impatiently. You burrow your face into the fabric and nod. “God, Dave, you’re such a baby,” John snickers as he leaves the store.

            You follow after him, confused. “Wait, how did you know my name?” you ask. John scratches his chin.

            “Oh, uh, didn’t you tell me your name?” he asks uncertainly.

            “No? You told me yours, but I forgot to tell you mine,” you answer, narrowing your eyes behind your shades.

            “Oh, well, I must have seen it on your credit card or something!” he shrugs, hurrying along. You have to jog to keep up with him.

            “Okay, seriously, what-” John stops abruptly and you almost barrel him over. You catch him before he falls and he huffs up at you in annoyance.

            “We’re here, dummy,” he says, pointing at the apartment in front of you. You stare at it and then look down at John.

            “I never gave you the address.” John blinks up at you, his mouth opening and closing like a fish.

            “You…you didn’t?” he stammers.

            “John!” A man you recognize as Dirk’s boyfriend wraps an arm around John’s neck, ruffling his hair roughly. “I thought you were going to be caught in a snow storm, chap!” he laughs.

            “Had to escort Coolkid the Second here over. Did you know he was going in the opposite direction?” John demands, and you stare from one to the other in painful confusion.

            “Blast it; I knew I should have been the one to give the directions! Striders are hopeless!” Jake groans. John eyes you in amusement.

            “I’ve noticed.”

            Jake marches you into the house, loudly proclaiming in your ear that you are finally here, though you suspect the announcement was actually for your brother. Dirk comes down and raises an eyebrow at the scarf around your neck.

            “Does this belong to you?” John asks Dirk teasingly, shoving you towards your brother. You whirl on him, cheeks burning in embarrassment.

            “You _knew who I was_??” you screech your accusation. John laughs directly in your face.

            “Yeah, duh, do you think I escort random strangers around my town? I recognized Dirk’s cute little brother immediately. You kinda stick out when you wander around in clothes that do not suit the weather, you know,” John explains with a shrug.

            You only register one part of that. “Did you call me cute?” you ask. John’s entire face goes red.

            “No, gross!” he shouts, though by his flustered fidgeting you can tell he’s lying through his teeth.

             “You _so_ did!” you cackle, pointing your finger in his face.

            “Oh, bite me!” John cries, storming from the room. You follow him because you have nothing better to do.

            “Sure, if you’re into that,” you reply with a shrug, and John groans loudly.

            “I’m going to my room, stop following me!” he retorts instead, and that’s when Jake interjects.

            “Actually, its both of your rooms now,” he states. You both turn to look at the brunette, eyes narrowing at the same time.

            “What was that?” John asks dangerously.

            “Dirk said he had an apartment and that I was rooming with him,” you add suspiciously. Dirk appears at your side.

            “Yeah, I lied. I’ve lived with Jake the whole time,” he shrugs.

            “Why aren’t you two rooming together?” John demands of Dirk.

            “Um, because I want to put my dick in your cousin’s ass? Do you really want to share a room with him? Do you want to be in the room while we fuck, John? Are you some kind of pervert?” Dirk jeers.

            John screams in frustration and stomps into his…well, _your_ room. You follow awkwardly, unsure if you want to stick around in case Dirk decides to question you the same way. John is laying face down on his bed, so you sit down in his computer chair.

            “Well this is a pleasant turn of events,” you comment.

            “Pleasant?” is his muffled reply.

            “Well, you’re cute and now I get to share a room with you. And a bed, unless you want to take the floor; I am not laying on the floor unless I’m dead,” you explain.

            “I can arrange that,” he growls under his breath.

            “I’m gonna have to decline that offer, thanks.”

            “Fine, we’ll share the bed, but keep your hands to yourself. I’ve been around your brother enough to know Striders are huge pervs,” he grumbles.

            “Um excuse me I don’t manufacture puppets you can fuck, that’s Dirk,” you huff defensively.

            “Can we please not talk about the fuck puppets?”

            “Okay fine, if only because even _I_ don’t like to talk about the fuck puppets,” you agree, plopping down in bed next to John. A nap is a good idea, you decide, so you roll over to get some sleep.

            “Remember, hands to yourself,” he warns.

            “I know!” you snap back. 

* * *

 

            You wake up with John lying on top of you, face buried into your neck and legs tangled up with yours. “What the fuck,” you deadpan, but your roommate is still sound asleep. So much for keeping your hands to yourself, you think smugly.

            “Wake up, Egbert,” you tell him, but the only response you get is a sleepy nuzzle. While cute, that was not the intended response. “Yo, this is nice but I didn’t sign up for snuggles,” you call again. He doesn’t stir. “Dude, Egbert!” you raise your voice.

            John makes a disgruntled noise and raises his hand to pap your face. “Excuse you; I am not an alarm clock. There is no snooze button for me,” you snort, and then John begins to sort of pet your face. “…John!”

            John startles awake with a yelp and a frantic look around his room. His gaze drops to you, lying under him. “Wha?” he asks blearily.

            “That’s what I’m trying to ask you,” you reply. He glances from your face down to where your bodies are pressed together and then back up to your face, then flings himself back with a startled cry.

            “What the fuck?!” he demands, voice shrill. “What were you doing?!”

            “Getting crushed by your fat ass!” you shout back. “ _You_ rolled over on me while we were sleeping!” John dragged his hands down his face dramatically. “I’m not that kind of girl, Egbert. You’re going to have to take responsibility,” you tell him in mock seriousness.

            John mumbles something into his hands. “What was that?” you ask right before it clicks what was said. “You didn’t. You didn’t _actually_ just say-”

            “No homo…” he mumbles weakly, and you burst into laughter. “What??” he demands, crossing his arms and pouting at you like a petulant child.

            “Nothing, nothing!” you reply, trying to curb your laughter. “You were just, like, literally on top of me, nuzzling my face and shit, and then the words ‘no homo’ actually left your mouth.” The snickers started up again.

            “Stop laughing,” he orders, cheeks and ears reddening in his embarrassment. That only makes it funnier for you.

            “Aye-aye, captain,” you gasp through your tears of laughter.

            “You’re still laughing, Dave!” John shouts.

            Tears are streaming down your face as you protest, “I c-can’t help it, i-it’s just so funny a-and _gay_!”

            “It’s not gay if I say no homo!” he whines like a baby. You mimic his voice and then he tackles you. The two of you wrestle on the bed, but his upper arm strength is impressive and he sits on your stomach and pins your shoulders.

            “Oh and this _definitely_ isn’t gay,” you snort sarcastically.

            “You wanna see gay? _This_ is gay!” John retorts, and then he kisses you. You won’t even kid yourself- you kiss him back pretty eagerly. He’s cute, okay?! And his lips are soft, and he’s warm and a good kisser (by your standards, anyways).

            When John pulls away, you spend some time staring dumbly at each other. Finally, you find your voice. “So I don’t know how that was supposed to convince me you were straight, but I am fully willing to do it some more.” John blushes and rolls off you. “Like, maybe if you kiss me more it will clear things up? I dunno, maybe if you put your tongue in my mouth it will get the point across. Or, like, touch my butt? Because obviously it’s super straight to grope another man’s ass. Oh, I know! If you suck my dick, I will _definitely_ get the message. Nothing clears up a straight man’s straightness more than sucking another man’s dick, right?”

            “If I kiss you again will you shut up?” John interrupts you, casting an annoyed look your way.

            “Absolutely,” you nod, and he grabs your face and kisses you again, deeper this time. You respond enthusiastically, wrapping your arms around his waist to pull him in closer. John nips at your bottom lip and you make a little sound in the back of your throat, and then he pulls away with a smirk.

            “I have now concluded that you are definitely straight. And also that I want to touch your dick, like, pronto,” You tell him. John paps your face with a chuckle before rolling out of the bed.

            “Maybe later,” he replies as he leaves the room.

            Later cannot come soon enough.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> John stop, you're confusing him! okay so maybe things moved a bit fast but??? eat my shorts tbh
> 
> next chapter is John's POV of events leading up to their meeting. Third chapter is da pronz


	2. Egbert's Life B.H.S. (Before Hot Strider)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> John is sick and tired of being the third wheel on his cousin and cousin's boyfriend's dates. That bastard Dirk Strider had stolen all of Jake's free time. Not even their traditional midnight premier movie tradition was safe from his grubby Jake-stealing hands! But he also has a younger brother coming to visit, and from the pictures in his wallet the younger Strider is a lot easier on John's eyes than the older Strider invading his entire life. And the younger Strider was coming to visit? This should be good. (John's point of view, showing what happened in the Strider-English-Egbert apartment before the first chapter took place)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I decided not to write Dirk's POV unless someone asks me too. I think its pretty obvious from John's point of view what Dirk was up to? (aka playing matchmaker so John wouldn't be so lonely while Dirk and Jake were out on dates). Anyways, enjoy John being a huge brat in his point of view!

Your name is John Egbert and you are definitely not lonely. Dirk has been living with you and Jake for almost a year now and the two are joined by the hip. They are always going out and doing things; hiking, picnics, conventions of all types, going out to eat…you name it. Jake, ever the oblivious idiot, keeps inviting you to join him and Dirk, and sometimes you do. But every time you do, you feel like you are intruding on their dates. It’s not _supposed_ to be a date, but the way they kiss and hold hands and cuddle and how Jake makes a point of using cute and interesting petnames… basically, they could make a zombie apocalypse look like a date worthy of one of those “Top Ten Dates Where You Can Eat Your Boyfriend’s Face At”.

But movie premiers were _your thing_ with Jake. Any time a movie came out, you would go to the midnight premier and wait outside for hours until the theater opened so you could get the best possible seats. Like, sure, Dirk had your cousin every other moment of his life, but movie premiers were special, sacred, and Dirk _knew that_. At least, you thought he did.

And then. And _then_ , Jake invited him, putting cracks in your sacred tradition, and Dirk shattered the tradition by _accepting_. Like, sure, Jake was an oblivious idiot sometimes… okay, most time…well okay more like 95% of the time, but Dirk! Dirk was a fucking genius, he knew you were appalled by Jake inviting him along, and you _knew_ he knew because when he accepted you excused yourself very quickly from the room to maybe kinda go throw a temper tantrum in your room. And he raised his eyebrow at you. Just one slender blonde eyebrow raised above its usual hiding place behind those stupid dumb ugly stupid shades. Did you mention his shades were stupid??

The night of the premier, as Jake and Dirk got ready and were already being gross and cutesy with each other, you faked a cough and said, “Gosh, I’m sorry Jake, you’ll have to go to the movie without me, I don’t feel good…”

And Jake, stupid moronic idiot he was, said, “Oh…well, alright chum, rest up! Maybe we’ll see it later this week?” and left. Dirk gave you another raised eyebrow look and you glared daggers into him. He snorted, said in a sarcastic tone, “Gee, sorry you’re suddenly sick for no reason. Must be some super fast sudden virus, huh?” in a way you knew was mocking you.

You cursed him out with some very colorful words and he checked his watch in a bored manner and then left casually, as if you weren’t calling him a “cumdrinking son of a very ugly and unsuccessful whore who probably fucked an emu without protection and gave birth to you”.

You don’t think he even heard that odd and creative insult, which frankly was insulting in of itself.

You moped for a good solid two weeks, along with accidentally on purpose spilling your bowl of Cinnamon Toast Crunch on Dirk’s head that one time. In fact, that’s probably what prompted him to sit down beside you on the couch while Jake was away at work.

You thought about getting up and leaving, but before you could Dirk had spoken up. “Are you going to talk about what’s got you acting like a small infant with shit in his diaper? Or are you going to continue to cry until your face is red while I try to figure out what’s wrong?” he inquired. You crossed your arms and huffed, purposefully turning your nose up and away from him. “Is it your pacifier? You hungry? You need a nappyboo? Or is big cousin Jake not giving you enough attention to satisfy your little baby social needs?” he mocked.

“Midnight premiers were _our thing_ , and you came along and ruined it!” you blurted out, hating how you still sounded like a petulant child.

“I seem to recall I was invited to come along. Like, I have this vague memory of the invitation? I don’t know, I think it went something like ‘ _John and I are going to see this ripsnorting movie ripe with action and explosions and other dandy things like that! There’s one of those techno whatsits, an AI? In the movie and I thought ‘ **well golly my sunflower would love to see this**!’ so what say you, angel? Would you like to come with us_?’” Dirk’s imitation of Jake was impeccable, and his memory of what exactly was said…well, it kinda freaked you out. Mental note: check to see if Dirk is an organic and not an AI himself.

“I know he invited you, but you have to admit he is oblivious sometimes. And _you_ aren’t. You could have said no, but you didn’t,” you replied, beginning to pout.

“That’s because we had talked about it before,” Dirk glanced at your confused expression and made a motion with his head like he was rolling his eyes at you. “He’s not really as oblivious as he lets on, John. You don’t think he didn’t know there would be an issue? He was practically crying when you cancelled on us,” Dirk scoffed.

“I don’t get it,” you frowned at the blonde.

“Jake noticed that you distanced yourself from me. Whenever we went out to do stuff, there was a 90% chance you would decline to come with us. We were hoping that if I ‘invaded’,” you glared at his dramatic use of air quotes, “your time with him, that you would be more comfortable ‘invading’ our time,” Dirk explained. “Of course, Jake wanted to just talk it out directly, but who does that?” he scoffed.

“Um…normal healthy people?” you squinted your eyes at Dirk, and he furrowed his brows in thought.

“Well then that makes sense. Papa Strider didn’t really encourage his kids to talk about our feelings. Dave somehow was able to get over the ‘I can’t show emotion ever because that’s weak and Striders aren’t weak’ mentality that Dad beat into us. I attribute that to the fact that he was 13 when Dad died, and I was 17. I was exposed to it a lot longer,” Dirk explained.

“Dave is your brother?” you asked curiously. Dirk nodded, and a rare fond smile graced his face. It was nice; from here you could see what Jake saw in the blonde.

“Yeah, he’s my baby bro. I know there’s only a 4 year difference but to me he’s still my baby bro. Not that he’d enjoy hearing me call him a baby,” Dirk snorted.

“Where is he now?” you asked.

“Texas. He’s somehow under the impression that being a twenty year old lanky bisexual in Texas is the best idea ever. I keep telling him to move to our town. Almost our entire block is LGBT, so it’s much friendlier here,” Dirk explained, digging into his back pocket for his wallet. He opened it up and unfolded a section to show what had to be 20, 30 pictures of mostly him and his brother. The most recent one was a selfie that looked like his brother had taken and then sent to Dirk.

You stared at the picture for longer than you should have, and then Dirk snapped you out of it with an amused, “you’re not falling in love with my baby bro just from his selfie, are you?”

“N-no! I’m not gay!” You cried. Dirk gave you a blank stare. At least, you think so. The shades made it difficult to be sure.

“Egbert, out of the three relationships you’ve had, one of them was a dude. Those aren’t the best stats,” he pointed out.

“It was unofficial! We just flirted a lot. And, you know. Maybe kissed sometimes. That’s not gay at all,” you insisted.

Dirk stared at you for a few more minutes before he got That Look on his face. It’s hard to read Dirk a lot of times, but he’s a manipulative piece of shit. It’s never been anything _bad_ , but he gets a certain tilt of the head with a tiny, absentminded smirk on his face. He was planning something, and you immediately get suspicious. “Dirk?” you inquired cautiously, and he refocused on you. He took out his phone as he spoke to you.

“Yeah, sorry, spaced out. Sure, dude, if you say you’re straight then far be it from me to argue with you. Anyways, I gotta jet. See ya,” and with that, Dirk was leaving the room, texting rapidly as he went. Your eyes narrowed but your attention was immediately diverted by Jake hollering at the top of his lungs that he was home and he brought ice cream. You put it to the back of your mind as you went to go apologize to Jake. And, of course, eat ice cream. 

* * *

Dirk surprised you and Jake one evening with the mention that his baby bro was finally coming to live in Washington. He said Dave had a place to stay really close to your apartment, and he definitely wanted to introduce him to you guys.

“I’ve only talked to him on the phone once and seen pictures of him! I’m finally going to meet him?” Jake asked excitedly, then narrowed his eyes at his lover. “You aren’t being a right prat and pulling my leg, are you Strider?” he demanded.

“Nope, I am as serious as a My Little Pony marathon,” Dirk replied solemnly.

“Gee wiz, that’s _very_ serious then. Smashing! I can’t wait to meet him!” Jake exclaimed happily. “Oh boy, I’ve got collywobbles! I hope I don’t cock up and sound like a twat in front of him!” he muttered, more to himself than the two of you.

Dirk turned to you. “What the _fuck_ did he just say?”

“He’s nervous and doesn’t want to screw up and sound like an idiot. Like he just did,” you rephrased, then turned to your cousin. “Jake.”

“Yes, chap?” he asked, shifting his focus to you.

“Where are we?” you questioned.

“What? We’re at home? I don’t-”

“Where are we?” you repeated, and Jake pouted as he realized what you were saying.

“America…” he answered glumly.

“So what should you do?” you prompted.

“Not use British slang…” he mumbled, crossing his arms over his chest. You nodded and went back to your food. “Well, dinner was lovely my sweet, but I’m going to bed now. I’m absolutely knackered,” Jake said to Dirk, then corrected himself sarcastically with a glare your way. “Sorry, I meant ‘ _I am very tired and I am going to sleep so I will not be tired anymore in the morning_.” He spoke the correction slowly as if you were stupid, and you flicked the mashed potatoes on your spoon at his face. “AUGH! BLAST YOU!” he shouted, tackling you.

At the end of your strife, Dirk was pissed at both of you, mostly because you had gotten mashed potatoes in his hair during your fight. He kicked you both out of the kitchen with threats to skewer you if you came back. Jake and you made a mutual agreement that you would go watch a movie _quietly_ while Dirk cleaned the kitchen. 

* * *

Dirk had been the one to give his brother directions to your apartment, so when you saw a tall blonde with sunglasses shivering and wandering around looking like a lost puppy, you knew exactly who he was. He glanced down at a scrap of paper that probably had Dirk’s shit directions on it and then turned to face your way, looking past you to see if the way he was looking was the way to go.

He was handsome. In your opinion, he was much more handsome than Dirk, but you’ve never been attracted to broad shoulders like the older Strider had. Dave, however, had slimmer shoulders and a softer jawline than his brother. His lips moved as if he was mumbling to himself, and then he shivered violently and stuck out his lower lip in a pout, and the expression was the cutest thing you’ve ever seen. He flicked his blonde hair, a few shades lighter than Dirk’s, out of his eyes. Oh man, he did a casual hair flip and it was pretty damn hot….. oh fucking shit, you thought Dirk’s younger brother was hot. His younger _brother_. His _very much a male_ younger brother. Fuck, this was a disaster.

You stood there staring at him, internally panicking and hoping you didn’t look like a huge creep. You knew what Dave looked like, but you assume he has no idea what you look like.

And then he began wandering the _opposite fucking direction_ , and you were snapped from your freak out into rolling your eyes and approaching him. “You lost?” you called, and he turned curiously and stared at you for a second.

“Uh, yeah, I'm trying to get to my brother's boytoy's house,” he finally replied. “I'm from Texas, so I have no clue where anything is,” he added with a cute foot shuffle as if he was embarrassed. 

“I've lived here all my life; I could give you the grand tour?” you offered, offering out your hand for a handshake. His hand was freezing but his handshake was firm and hinted at hidden strength he didn’t outwardly show. Oh fuck, stop thinking about his hands and their firm grip.

“I'm John, by the way,” you introduced, gesturing behind you at your favorite coffee shop. “There's a coffee shop right here, by the way. It’s my favorite place to go,” you mentioned, adding on a whim, “They also have food and you look a little hungry, so we could stop by there for some food first?” You admit; that was just so you could have a bit more time to get to know him before turning him over to his brother and your cousin.

“Hell yes,” Dave agreed enthusiastically to your proposal- no shit that was a terrible choice of words- your _offer_ , and you couldn’t keep the excited grin that spread across your face. You casually let him walk ahead of you, and maaaaybe your eyes wandered down and nonchalantly checked out his ass.

Fuck, that was so gay and you don’t even give a damn. Dave Strider was hot and you were _so_ going to find a way to kiss his dumb cute face sometime later.

Later cannot come soon enough.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> yes, I definitely had both chapters end with the same final line lol
> 
> did you find the zombiestuck joke I made? with an added zombie pun ;P
> 
> next chapter will be sexy times! I still haven't decided on details (who tops, what kinks I might hint at or include, etc) so leave a comment telling me who you want to top and what kinks to hint at or include (I'll turn down any kinks that make me uncomfortable, but you'll never know what I will and won't do until you ask, right? right. I won't judge, ok? promise.)


	3. Later Cums... I mean, Comes

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> John jumps Dave's bones. Dave does not mind at all.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> here's your porn ya vultures! Despite taking two months to post it (which was actually only two days of writing lmao I suck) I liked how this turned out!
> 
> Mind you, I'm also exhausted right now, so there might be typos! If you find one, I encourage you to tell me!
> 
> Anyways, enjoy!

            Your name is Dave Strider, and John Egbert has two handfuls of your ass. And he is not gentle about it by any means, either. He also decide he will not be subtle in any way, as he does this while you are ordering your usual (and his order as well, because you’re nice) at the coffee shop that you frequent. Karkat, your barista and a good buddy of both of you, just rolls his eyes when you give a startled yelp at the unprompted grope.

            “What the hell, Egbert?” you demand as Karkat walks off to make your orders. You get the same thing every time, but John likes to order different things to shake things up (but he only does it when you are the one ordering, so you suspect its just to make things difficult for you).

            John grins cheekily and gives another squeeze to your ass to remind you he has not let go. Not that you’d forget the fact. “Sorry! I couldn’t help it! You know how much I like these pants on you!” He apologizes, though he doesn’t sound sorry at all. In fact, he goes one step further just to tease, letting go of your ass only to nudge his knee between your legs and press himself against your back under the guise of reaching around you to grab a little advertisement for something you know he doesn’t actually care about. He might be a whole foot shorter than you, but that changes nothing about his dominance. And your submission to him, apparently.

            Unfortunately, the most you’ve done is some heavy petting and sloppy makeouts, rolling around half naked on his bed. And that was while tipsy, too. He’s being much more forward than usual, but you are unsure he will go any further, or what prompted this in the first place.

            Karkat sets down your orders and then a box. “Here’s your special order, Egbert. You owe me big time,” he adds, shooting John a glare. John snatches the box from your inquisitive gaze and hurriedly thanks Karkat, rushing out the door without even grabbing his coffee. You raise an eyebrow above your shades at Karkat, but he makes a zipping motion against his lips and then tells you to “fucking move so I can get to the customer waiting behind you!”

            You follow after John, making him take his coffee before you spill it all over yourself. You try to ask him about the contents of his special order, and he just quickly says something about Karkat buying his stuff for him because he was too embarrassed to do it himself.

            “Is it a sex toy?” you smirk at him. He shoots a glare your way and you bark out a surprised laugh. “Is it really?” you demand. You get to the apartment, unlocking the door as he replies.

            “Does it matter?” he retorts.

            “Well yeah, a little. We do share a bed, you know,” You explain as you follow him into your shared room, “so unless you are planning on sharing with me, I think y-”

            The second the door to your bedroom clicks shut, John is pushing you up against the wall roughly. Luckily, you had set your stuff down already, but it still surprises you. “Can I help you??” you ask, a little frazzled.

            “Why do you have to be so attractive?” John asks accusingly. “I’m trying to at least pretend I’m not gay as fuck for you, but you make it so _hard_!” he complains. He grabs your hand and presses it against the tent in his pants that should have been obvious to you but went unnoticed. “You make _this_ so hard, too!” he adds with a glare as if it’s your fault. Well…. you guess it _is_.

            “Okay, but like… what brought this on?” you ask, trying to keep your hand still.

            “What did you say when we first started rooming together? You wanted to touch my dick? Pronto?” he smirks up at you. Your fingers twitch against his crotch accidentally and his eyes flutter. “Honestly, I’ve been thinking about your hand on my dick ever since that first stupid handshake,” John huffs. “I’ve been too nervous to do anything about it, but since I finally got the stuff I made Karkat buy for me, I figured now is as good a time as ever.”

            “What did you buy?” You ask again, and John grins mischievously up at you as he pulls away.

            “Get naked and I’ll show you,” he responds simply. You don’t think you’ve ever undressed faster in your life. John gets the package open while you fix your hair and try to make sure you don’t have smelly breath or armpits. Luckily, you had opted to shower this morning before going out for coffee, so your hair is soft and you are clean.

            For now, at least.

            Out of habit, you stretch when you are finally naked. There is something about being naked, man. It’s freedom; there’s no other way to describe the feeling. You stretch your arms behind your back with a small groan, and only after your hands fall to your sides do you realize John has been watching you hungrily.

            “That was on purpose,” he accuses you.

            “Nah, bro, this sexiness is all natural talent,” you shrug, then add, “or should I say _au naturel_?”

            John pegs you in the face with something yet to be identified for the terrible pun. You catch it before it drops to the floor, inspecting it curiously. Its lube, you realize. Specifically, flavored lube. Mocha flavored, apparently. “You know flavored lube doesn’t really stay true to its flavor, right?” You ask, holding up the tube for him to see. “This is probably going to taste terrible, you know that, right?”

            John shrugs, stating offhandedly, “its supposed to be good for anal, and the flavor is supposed to be the best on the market or something? Five star ratings on every site I visited.” He’s too busy unpacking something you can’t see to really pay you attention.

            You slide up behind him, pressing your bodies flush, and lean in to pepper kisses along his jawline and neck. John finishes his unpacking and drops whatever it is, hands trying to reach behind him to touch you.

            You make a ‘tsk’ing noise and push his hands down, wrapping your arms around him. Your own hand immediately goes for his unattended cock, gently dragging your fingers from base to tip. John gasps softly, leaning back into you. You rest your head on his shoulder to get a better view of him as you thumb the underside of his cockhead playfully, relishing the way he jerks against you and gasps.

            “Sensitive there?” you ask, a teasing edge to your voice.

            John growls out, “don’t tease, you slut,” and you shudder at the name and wrap your hand around him firmly, pumping him at a more acceptable pace for him. John moans, head falling back against you, and you take advantage of the position to lick and kiss at his exposed throat, feeling the vibrations of his pleasured sounds against your lips.

            “Your dick is an impressive size compared to your overall size,” you murmur, watching the way his dick jumps more at the tone of your voice than the conversation topic.

            “A-are you calling, hng, calling me short?” he stammers out, and even if he trips over his words, his tone somehow comes across challenging. As in, _you better not be calling me short_. You decide not to answer him, just let go briefly to lube up your hand. John makes a sound of protest when you let go, but sighs happily when your hand returns. “This is even better than I fantasized,” he mumbles, probably more to himself than you.

            “You fantasized about me jacking you off?” you snort at him, and he nods eagerly.

            “When I shook your fucking hand and felt how firm your grip was, my traitorous mind wondered immediately what that firm grip would be like around my cock,” he answers, and you squeeze him tighter in response. John squirms in your hold, moaning out a strangled curse. “Let go.”

            You retract your hand as if his order had burned you, eyes wide behind your shades. Did you fuck up? Is he going to stop? What did you do wrong?? “I’m sorry,” spills from your lips in a small voice uncharacteristic of your usual self.

            John turns himself so he’s facing you, confused. He notices how tense you are and takes your shades from your face to sets them aside, smiling softly at you. “It’s okay, Dave. You were perfect; I didn’t stop you for any reason other than I want this to last a bit longer than handjobs. Besides, I recall you saying something about me sucking your dick?” John cups your face in his hands and leans in for a kiss, and you melt against him, mouth moving with his in a way that has become familiar to you since moving in.

            John guides you to your shared bed, carrying most of your weight in an impressive display of his mangrit. He lays you back against the sheets, his lips and tongue distracting you until he pulled back and you realized you were fully naked in bed with him; an experience you never thought you’d have. You watch attentively as he uncaps the lube and upturns the tube to pour the stuff directly onto your dick. You mutter a complaint of it being cold but besides that stay silent, watching him jerk you off to spread the lube around before following it with his mouth, licking and sucking lightly. You let your eyes flutter shut as he flicks his tongue along the sensitive part just under the head, making a small noise of pleasure.

            John snaps his fingers and your eyes are instantly on him. “Eyes on me,” he commands, a warning in his voice, and then he swallows your dick down to the hilt, not even minding when you shout and grab at his hair, struggling to keep your eyes open and on him. The sight of his mouth stuffed with your cock is too much, and you can feel his throat around you struggling not to choke. John pulls off with a gasp, catching his breath while his hand makes up for the absence of his mouth on you.

            You watch as John gets a curious look on his face. He stops stroking your boner to run his fingers against your trail of pubic hair, then looks up at you. “Do you mind not stroking my pubes?” you inquire of him, a bit annoyed.

            “It’s soft,” he replies, awe in his voice. He continues to pet it. “Do you condition your pubes?” He asks you, and you let your head drop back against the bed with a groan.

            “I’ve been blessed with soft hair everywhere,” you retort with irritation clear in your voice, “would you like to pet my armpit hair? What about the hair around my asshole, you want to feel that?” You hear John chuckle at your sarcasm. At least one of you is amused, you think bitterly.

            Suddenly, a cold finger is being pressed against your hole. “I think I’ll take you up on the latter offer, Dave!” John laughs, and then his mouth is back on you. You arch your back with a shocked moan, hands scrambling for something to hold on to as John sucks your dick and slips a finger into your ass.

            John stretches your hole gently, but his mouth on your cock is relentless, letting up only when you stammer out your impending orgasm in warning. Only then, with three fingers fingerfucking your asshole, does he finally stop. And when you say he stops, you mean _everything_. His hands and mouth disappear completely from your body.

            “Why’d you stop?” you whine, sounding a bit pathetic but you don’t care how you sound, you were _almost there_ and he _stopped_. John laughs at you as he slides off the bed, picking up the thing he had unpacked earlier. Or, things. Plural. He holds up a blue, round thing and two ring things (one is blue like the round thing; the other is a deep red). “What are those?” you ask, and he doesn’t answer you, just returns to his previous position.

            “ _These_ are for you, Dave!” John finally replies, though his reply is vague. He shoves you back into the bed, and you feel him pressing the round thing against your dick, just under the head. He uses the red ring to hold it in place, not tight enough to hurt but it definitely won’t be accidentally falling off. The blue ring is fastened around the base of your cock, and you recognize it as a cock ring.

            “I don’t-?” you begin to ask, but he talks over you.

            “I mean, I bought them because I thought you’d look so nice with them on, and I wanted to drive you crazy with them! But I also wanted to fuck your hot butt,” he frowns at you, as if trying to convey what a dilemma he has on his hands. And then his blue eyes glinted mischievously, and his lips curled up into a devilish grin. “But then I realized! Why not both! _That_ will surely reduce you into a drooling, begging mess for me!” John adds as he picks up a third thing you hadn’t noticed he had from next to his leg.

            You shout in surprise, grabbing desperately for John, as the round thing starts _vibrating_. John evades your groping hands with a laugh, watching eagerly as the vibrations have you squirming and moaning. You reach for your dick and he slaps your hand away roughly, his face contorting sternly. “No!” he snaps, and then the amused look is back. “You have to beg before I do anything, Dave!” he practically sings to you, and you let out a groan of mixed pleasure and disapproval.

            “P-please,” you whisper, and John leans forward curiously.

            “Did you say something, Dave?” he asks mockingly, because he knows exactly what you said.

            “Please, John, please!” you beg, louder.

            “Please _what_ , Dave?” he demands.

            “Just fuck me, _please_!” you shout, thrashing a bit. John laughs, pinning your arms down to still you.

            “Fine, fine! What an impatient little slut you are,” he chuckles while grabbing your legs and pulling them apart and up until you are practically folded in half. “Relax for me, sweetheart,” John coos as he lines himself up, and then he’s pushing into you.

            You struggle to keep yourself loose, and John rewards you when his hips are pressed against your ass by leaning in and kissing you sweetly. He does not, however, turn off the vibrator; in fact, he keeps it on even as he pulls out halfway and slams back into you.

            You wrap your legs around his waist, holding on as he starts up a fast, desperate pace. He pins you down by your wrists and kisses you hungrily as he fucks you just as you fantasized he would; fast and hard and without mercy to whether or not you’ll be sore tomorrow. And you will _definitely_ be sore tomorrow morning.

            John hits your prostate dead on and you scream in pleasure, scratching at his back and shoulders. He leans in to bite and suck at your neck as you moan loudly and beg for him to “fucking ruin me, please fuck please just destroy me John I need to cum please god please!”

            John growls against your throat, one hand feeling blindly for the remote to the damn vibrator and turning it up to max strength, and you let out a sob as the pleasure is almost painful. You continue begging for orgasm between loud moans and his name spoken like a goddamn prayer. John reaches between you and pulls the toys off you.

            “I want you to cum for _me_ , not the fucking toys,” he growls, and you whimper pathetically as he fucks you harder, his hips slamming against your ass in a way you are sure will leave you unable to sit for a few days. “Cum for me, Dave, cum for me now,” John orders, voice taking on a breathless tone as he approaches his own orgasm.

            His demand hits you hard, and you arch your back with a scream of pleasure as your release hits you, cum splattering hotly against your torso. John buries himself in your ass and moans your name against your throat as he cums inside you. You gasp at the feeling, your dick twitching and spurting more, and then John pulls out and collapses on top of you, gasping for air.

            The two of you lay like that for a solid ten minutes, catching your breath. Laughter suddenly bubbles to the surface before you can stop yourself. You just…laugh. “Did I break you?” John asks with amusement clear in his voice.

            “Yeah, probably, but I don’t really give a fuck,” you respond lazily, raising your hand to play with his sex-damp black hair. “I wouldn’t have had it any other way,” you add with a snort.

            “We should probably clean up,” John sighs, sitting up reluctantly.

            “If you think I’m going to take a shower then you are out of your goddamn mind, John,” you retort, “so unless you have baby wipes in Karkat’s care package then I-”

            “Actually!” John reaches out and grabs what are indeed baby wipes. “I also got condoms, but I was excited and forgot,” he mutters. You shrug lazily, blinking a few times to try to stay awake as he cleans you up. “Are you falling asleep?” he asks with a giggle.

            You try to tell him no but you are too tired to form coherent words. John coos at you teasingly and then kisses you gently and tells you to go ahead and sleep.

            You let go and allow yourself to fall asleep. Right before you lose consciousness you hear John whine out, “Aw! The vibrator’s batteries are already dead!!!”

            You make a note to tease him for that once you wake up.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> eyyy! Karkat's such a bro lmao
> 
> Alright, now I can move on to the next fic of this series: Home Invasion Hottie! (it sounds weird but its not, okay?


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